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He stands.

I see a man, he stands before a lake, a lake surrounded by fire. His eyes are glowing emeralds and his hair is flowing raven. Around him, the stench of death. around him, the clouds of battle. Encased in war, in death, in light. Glowing because of fire, he turns to his queen. Her eyes are beaming sapphire. Her hair also like a raven's wing. She stands in a gown of crimson velvet and more strange material. Kissing his lips, she tastes blood. The blood of this battle fought, and won, but for the greater good, no one can tell.

They keep a secret, hidden so well, that they soon forget.

Is it a lie?

so many little things followed me
so many little things that bothered me
but I found my answer
from all the chaos that followed me
I have found my answer
I've told you before don't follow me
because I am not your answer

I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy
these are the words I say to myself everyday
I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy
tell me what ritual I should have today
but I'm not alone
I've resolved so many things and set myself free

I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy
the words I say to myself every day
I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy
such a stupid ritual to have to say to myself everyday
I'm not alone but I found my answer and set myself free
I'm not unhappy

I'm not alone and I'm not unhappy
not alone and I'm not unhappy
and I'm not afraid, not unhappy
I'm not alone, I'm not afraid
eleven point two, eleven point two
I'm not alone, I'm not afraid
I'm not alone, I'm not afraid

I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid
I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy
These are the words I say to myself everyday
I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy
I'm not afraid

and I am not alone. I am not afraid. I'm not unhappy
The words I say to myself everyday
I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy
Such a stupid ritual to have to say to myself everyday
I'm not alone but I found my answer and set myself free
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not unhappy


I had a dream that thoroughly disturbed me.

I became part of a religious following, and my significant other and I had a child. Our child, a daughter, was chosen to become the new "priestess" type figure. The previous Priest was aging and close to death. As he explained to me the horrible abuse he was put through to obtain his position of power, including having every one of his teeth removed by hand and genital mutilation. During the discovery of what was going to happen to my daughter, I realized the group had taken her to a sacred chamber, where the horrible deeds would ensue.

Then I awoke.

Realizing the wrong alarm had gone off, I dozed off again and:

I witnessed her getting her teeth removed, by hand, screaming...bloody...

And there goes my second alarm.

It was...really scary.


Well, started Mage, tonight. It's pretty fun. We left off in Nepal, searching for answers about a mysterious symbol that is burned upon Q's face.

So, pretty fun.

Other than that, dunno, the day was sleepy. Drove out to Gothe Forest today and saw the large tree vagina. Visited mom.

Got a tick on me. Culann has two on himself. And then I found one more...in...an....interesting place. :-/


Shoot me.


I cannot seem to find thee.

Bought some patterns today for period garb, it should be too much fun making it. :D

Other than that, life is still, quiet, and unsettling.

And sad. Depressing.

Not the best.

But not the complete worst.

Days move too slowly.

Two faced.

I'm honest to God sick of two faced people. I'm tired of having one thing told to me, and then the statement being turned around completely to trash me.

I'm not the best person in the world, this I understand, but what does it make you when you do that?

I'm damn sick of Gainesville. Leaving might actually help me...



I'm trying to get to sleep, and never wake up, but I know that waking will happen. Dammit, I'm tired. 

I think I'm going to start taking drugs (RX) so that I can function. Like something to make me feel....less like shit, and something to make me sleep. Looks like I'm going to be eating a lot of chalky applesauce and peanut butter sandwiches soon.


Thanks to you, stupid heart, thanks to you.

But I am glad that I can feel pain, because it means I can feel at all....
I see your tears
Falling to the dust
I see your fears
And my own running away is a must

You have ruined me
As I have done for you
And when all has come to be
These initial feelings were oh-so true.

I wish to stare at the sun 'till my eyes are blind
I want to leave all of the pain I have caused behind
I pray that one day, we shall be kind
I don't believe me.

I want to know that your strong grasp
Was more than just a faint clasp
Upon my heart
Although I fear it will never matter.

I was broken yesterday.  Next time you see me, remember that you probably won't receive a kind smile or a warm "Hello!", probably never again a soft hug....because every time I get close enough to someone to become sweet and comfortable, I, MYSELF, ruin it. I ruin and run from the best things in this life, including affairs of the heart, and I shall soon crumble and fall because of this.

I want to scrape my hands and knees upon the rough concrete until I am scarred enough to not feel sensation, and until I am filled with stone. I want to black my own eyes and set fire to my face so that the true mutilation of who I am can show through.

Don't think I never cared, don't think you never mean't the world to me, don't think that I don't love you. I always will. Don't ever think that you weren't the best thing that ever happened to me, because you were. And you always will be. And I left it, I ruined it, I FAILED.

I'm not worth anything.



Well, I got my cat, Reizend (which means charming in German), back from Chris last night, along with Wumpkins, both of my snakes, and my tarantula. :D

I'm pretty stoked.


Food is awesome. Normally, it smells great, and that's horribly comforting.

Work was actually pretty busy for the first part of the day, today, which was different.

Now, I'm just relaxing, went to Pube-licks to buy some eggs and flour. Sitting on my ass, listening to drinking songs, just sitting....oh, god, it's such a happy thing.

My parents...never going to happen. That's the only negative part of my life right at this moment, I cannot take the stress they put on me, and it makes me an asshole, hence why I am not there.


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May 2008