A field of white flowers stands before you. Orchids, they are. One is dripping blood that once flowed upon it from a hand cast away from a now limp body. Still warm, it almost steams in the chill air. Eyes are watching you, disapproving of your compassion towards the fallen one. You've lost all that mattered, your own flesh and blood, your son. Sent off to battle with the rest of the men that hit the age of 14. "He's ready to fight," they said. "He's ready for battle now, he can handle it," they pleaded. But they were wrong, in your eyes.

Shedding one, solitary tear, you try to turn, but cannot tear yourself away. A wind rushes past you from the west, eager to make its way home for supper. Wrapping your cloak tighter around your body, you wish to feel more than the evening chill. But alas, the sun is setting fast.

Will you turn away from the limp bundle of white and return to your people, keeping up appearances that you're not sure even exist, ir will you pick the flower marked by your child and exile yourself? 

You are the quiet one,
Always observing.
You are the cat,
Waiting to pounce on your unsuspecting prey.
Wishing to be broken,
Awaiting peril,
Mistrusting,
Even toward ones self.

Will you take me with you,
Whenever and where ever you go?
Will you leave me stranded,
Like I am hoping for?
Can you leave me broken,
It's what I deserve?
Will you hold me close and keep me,
Like I want?

This life is like oil.


Black, smelly, and much too greasy.





I'm not sure what's going on again, I'm getting more confused as the days roll on past and am not liking it. :-/

Well, I haven't updated any as of late so I figured I'd do so, now.

March of next year I am moving out of Gainesville, I'm undecided as to where I'm going.


Other than that, I'm going to start painting again. I'm pretty excited about that. <3

I'm dying for some sleep. And a snuggle.

:-/

Well, Culann has to fill out these divorce papers, you see. Inside of this packet, it says he has to pay $40 to take a stupid class to prove that he doesn't want to be with his soon to be ex wife. But you see, he'd rather slit his wrists than sit through a class telling him he wasnt to love a monster of a person.


Anyone have any info?

I fear you. I fear what you could do. What you could obtain. What you could tear apart.


I've lived many, many years, before time itself was an issue, before Heaven and Hell came to be. I am trapped here, inside of my vessel, and she's not...the best for me to dwell inside of.

I'm the blackness you see behind her eyes, the fire on her tongue, and the sense of destruction that most see in her, or witness first hand.



You see, we are all mad here, clinically insane, schizophrenic, just plain nutso.


Completely gone, shall you save what is left to save, if anything at all?

"I'm standing before what looks to be a village. There are...creatures...inhabitants...something of that sort. They are beckoning me towards them." I step forward. "Go with them," he responds. 

"I'm now walking through this village, behind these creatures, and a child has my hand. We're heading towards a larger stone structure carved from red granite, it almost seems." Entering this "temple", you could call it, I notice a large stone carving at the far end. There seems to be a ritual taking place. One of the creatures sits upon the floor, and seems to be tearing itself apart. 

"Dig deeper," he says.

The rest all seem to join in, their squeals of pleasure are unimaginable. Inhuman. Distorted. Then they all seem to fade away, become frail, to die, in some way.

"They're all grabbing at my ankles, I don't know what to do..."

"Dig DEEPER," he says.

"I see an exit at the back of this place, should I take it?"

"Take it, leave, now, WHAT DO YOU SEE?", he responds.

"I see glowing embers, like two eyes in the blackness, there are no stars. There is no moon. Only deep blackness. This creature with eyes of fire is grasping at me, it's taking me, I'm letting it hold me in it's arms. And now, we're merging. We are one..."

"We are one," was his final reply.

Open mouthed and starry eyed.
Surprise this day with butterflies.
The intensity rose up from the sea.
Calm blankets me.


Where are you now, my world?
When will we meet once more?
How could I ever know...
That the world would change for us?


Seeing nothing but your eyes.
Hearing nothing but your voice.
Smelling nothing but your skin.
Tearing at myself, and bleeding from within.


I cannot let go of these emotions for I fear they are what is keeping me alive.


I cannot let myself swim in your ocean, I'm afraid I do not enjoy the rip tide.


I cannot let myself do this to myself again, like I always do.


I cannot let myself be myself around you...


...But I always do.

I worked the pell for the first time tonight. My flat snap is perfect but my back snap needs major improvement. I am a bit sore, but pleased with how well I did. We're going to start putting together my garb tomorrow and we're going to start building my armor soon-ish.


Other than that, my mind swims with unpleasant thoughts. Doubts and such that are making my mind boil. I don't like boiled brains, personally, so I'm somewhat distraught. I'm actually beginning to REGRET something, which is one thing I NEVER do. I refuse to regret things, because they could affect the future, but unfortunately...there are three things I truly regret.


And am sorry for it.

I see a man, he stands before a lake, a lake surrounded by fire. His eyes are glowing emeralds and his hair is flowing raven. Around him, the stench of death. around him, the clouds of battle. Encased in war, in death, in light. Glowing because of fire, he turns to his queen. Her eyes are beaming sapphire. Her hair also like a raven's wing. She stands in a gown of crimson velvet and more strange material. Kissing his lips, she tastes blood. The blood of this battle fought, and won, but for the greater good, no one can tell.

They keep a secret, hidden so well, that they soon forget.

I had a dream that thoroughly disturbed me.

I became part of a religious following, and my significant other and I had a child. Our child, a daughter, was chosen to become the new "priestess" type figure. The previous Priest was aging and close to death. As he explained to me the horrible abuse he was put through to obtain his position of power, including having every one of his teeth removed by hand and genital mutilation. During the discovery of what was going to happen to my daughter, I realized the group had taken her to a sacred chamber, where the horrible deeds would ensue.


Then I awoke.


Realizing the wrong alarm had gone off, I dozed off again and:


I witnessed her getting her teeth removed, by hand, screaming...bloody...


And there goes my second alarm.


It was...really scary.

Well, started Mage, tonight. It's pretty fun. We left off in Nepal, searching for answers about a mysterious symbol that is burned upon Q's face.



So, pretty fun.


Other than that, dunno, the day was sleepy. Drove out to Gothe Forest today and saw the large tree vagina. Visited mom.


Got a tick on me. Culann has two on himself. And then I found one more...in...an....interesting place. :-/


So...yeah.


Shoot me.

I cannot seem to find thee.


Bought some patterns today for period garb, it should be too much fun making it. :D

Other than that, life is still, quiet, and unsettling.

And sad. Depressing.


Not the best.



But not the complete worst.



Days move too slowly.

I'm honest to God sick of two faced people. I'm tired of having one thing told to me, and then the statement being turned around completely to trash me.

I'm not the best person in the world, this I understand, but what does it make you when you do that?


I'm damn sick of Gainesville. Leaving might actually help me...


:-/

I'm trying to get to sleep, and never wake up, but I know that waking will happen. Dammit, I'm tired. 


I think I'm going to start taking drugs (RX) so that I can function. Like something to make me feel....less like shit, and something to make me sleep. Looks like I'm going to be eating a lot of chalky applesauce and peanut butter sandwiches soon.


Yuck.


Thanks to you, stupid heart, thanks to you.


But I am glad that I can feel pain, because it means I can feel at all....

I see your tears
Falling to the dust
I see your fears
And my own running away is a must

You have ruined me
As I have done for you
And when all has come to be
These initial feelings were oh-so true.










I wish to stare at the sun 'till my eyes are blind
I want to leave all of the pain I have caused behind
I pray that one day, we shall be kind
I don't believe me.

I want to know that your strong grasp
Was more than just a faint clasp
Upon my heart
Although I fear it will never matter.








I was broken yesterday.  Next time you see me, remember that you probably won't receive a kind smile or a warm "Hello!", probably never again a soft hug....because every time I get close enough to someone to become sweet and comfortable, I, MYSELF, ruin it. I ruin and run from the best things in this life, including affairs of the heart, and I shall soon crumble and fall because of this.


I want to scrape my hands and knees upon the rough concrete until I am scarred enough to not feel sensation, and until I am filled with stone. I want to black my own eyes and set fire to my face so that the true mutilation of who I am can show through.


Don't think I never cared, don't think you never mean't the world to me, don't think that I don't love you. I always will. Don't ever think that you weren't the best thing that ever happened to me, because you were. And you always will be. And I left it, I ruined it, I FAILED.


I'm not worth anything.


-Astrid

Well, I got my cat, Reizend (which means charming in German), back from Chris last night, along with Wumpkins, both of my snakes, and my tarantula. :D

I'm pretty stoked.

Food is awesome. Normally, it smells great, and that's horribly comforting.

Work was actually pretty busy for the first part of the day, today, which was different.

Now, I'm just relaxing, went to Pube-licks to buy some eggs and flour. Sitting on my ass, listening to drinking songs, just sitting....oh, god, it's such a happy thing.

My parents...never going to happen. That's the only negative part of my life right at this moment, I cannot take the stress they put on me, and it makes me an asshole, hence why I am not there.



Nipples.